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Turkey Mining Protests, Whiskey Shortage, FBI Embraces Weed [Scrapple TV News]

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We begin with exclusive footage from Turkey where the worst mining accident in history is the center of debate. Senior World Music Correspondents Andrew Geller and Maria Kretschmann report on government protests last week. Demonstrators marched down Ishtikal Street in taksim shouting “The mine worker is our pride.” As day turned into night, riot police locked down the street using tear gas and water canons. The protesters remained. Our thoughts are with the freedom fighters as they struggle for regulation.

Here in the U-S-of-A, a Connecticut woman died after having 20 teeth removed at once. The routine procedure was complicated by the dentist’s sadomasochistic lust for causing pain.

No one lives forever but surgeons at a Pittsburgh hospital have begun experimenting with suspended animation. Being frozen alive may increase your chance of long term survival but if your grapes shrivel into raisins, is there any point of living?

You’ll want a stiff drink after being brought back from an icy death; better stock up now.

Bourbon Barons are reporting record shortages this year. It’s time for some good old fashion bootlegging! Take one part grain, corn, water, wood varnish and mix liberally in a bathtub.

Always remember: the secret ingredient… is love. And a healthy disgust for the law.

Speaking of… The FBI is struggling to hire computer programmers who don’t smoke marijuana. Since hackers consider weed a performance enhancement drug the FBI is expected to adopt a don’t ask, don’t smell policy.

Meanwhile, in New York a massive sinkhole opened up in the middle of a Manhattan Street. The rent to live in the sinkhole is $3,300 per month. I’m on the waitlist for a basement unit.

My new bachelor pad comes fully stocked with a murphy bed and a mini fridge stocked with Philadelphia Brewing Company’s Kenzinger Beer. This frothy elixir is the only beverage I trust to flush the parasites from my lower intestine. Pick up a 6, 12 or 24 pack or your way to the company bbq.

That’s all for Scrapple News. I remain AP Ticker, subterranean freedom fighter and amateur dental hygienist.

ScrappleTV News – Week of May 26, 2014.

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Brendan Skwire, John Zito, Steve Galley
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

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