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Top 10 Celebrity Crushes; 1980’s Edition [Celebrity Hashtag]

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With all the awfulness occurring in the Hollywood gossip Mecca-deaths, comas, shootings at the VMA’s and not one bullet hitting, I decided to reflect on some of the amazing things Hollywood has given us-or at least me. When the birds and the bees starting singing for me at 11 and my journey into manhood started, I could barely watch three seconds of prime time tv without having to reach for an old sock-if ya get my drift. Ya know grab a couple napkins, lock the door, light a few candles, moisturize, ignore my brother who I shared a room with… Being a gay teen in the 80’s I got to buy my ticket to hell from sinning and stroking to some of the prettiest boys that Teen Beat and Young Miss (great magazine for the gays) plastered all over America, and later stuck on my wall-without any tape…

So I decided to share with you folks at home my favorite teen stars from my childhood and take a peek at how they look like now-that’s right kids…I’m SHOWING YOU (get ready cuz I’m coining this phrase and it’s good) Brittany Lynn’s 80’s YANK TANK! See how my right arm is so much bigger than my left? Weird cuz I’m left handed…

10. Growing pains-what a great show that as an adult I can’t watch for more than 10 second-but I watch those 10 seconds for Kirk Cameron-he’s a crazy cuckoo for Christ and damns me to hell for my gay ways-but he was the cutest-let’s see how he looks now-(show current picture). Ok not bad-would I still give him a yank in the confessional? Probably if he had communion wafers-I’ll give him 6 yanks outta 10.

9. AND 8. The Bromanced Branjelinas of my day-Willie Ames and Scott Baio from Charles in Charge. Baio was such a cute Archola on Happy Days and Joanie Loves Cha Chi-pair him up with a short blonde preppy boy and I’m already putting my sheets in the washer. First Scott Baio (show current picture)-not bad I’m giving him 7 yanks. Let’s see Willie Aames-(show current picture) (make scared three stooges face) at first I thought it was a large wallet someone drew a smile on. No yanks for you! Moisturize kids.

7. Chris Atkins-how many of you guys out there wishes you were Brooke Shields stranded on a deserted island with nothing to do but Christopher Atkins? Oh 2 out of ten of you. Blue Lagoon is soft core porn for EVERYONE! My grand mom is 91 and that movie still makes her wetter than spring. Let’s see Chris now-(fake vomit) I’ll give you one yank for the good ole times.

6. Family Ties was such a great sitcom till your high wore off-and the cutest of cute was a newcomer republican named Alex played by Michael J Fox. I know you’re waiting for the joke-so here it is-let’s see a current pic (show a blurry pic of Michael j fox)-it’s his selfie! I’ll give him 8 yanks cuz I love the guy-and if I use his hand it’ll feel like 30 yanks.

5. Zack Morris-Miss Marc Paul with his perfect 80’s blonde hair got me up early on Saturday mornings to catch Saved by the Bell-and I mean GOT ME UP! Let’s see the blonde bombshell now. Oh thank God-she’s getting nine yanks-in his face. (Bam!)

4. Josh Brolin from the Goonies-remember how adorable yet hot this boy was? He got my pants TIGHT in the theater when I laid eyes on him. Let’s see him now-he’s handsome yet pretty-like the ladies working at Home Depot. Giving him 7 yanks!

3.Cory Haim-the cuter of the two Corey that churned out movie after movie through the early 80’a and never once touched drugs. Let’s see him (show a zombie picture) Oh right…. I’ll give her a dead hand yank-those are sometimes the best.

2. Jason Bateman-Valerie’s Family, The Hoagan Family-Jason Bateman made these shows easy to yank at while delivering the message of Family out the show’s audience every week. Let’s see Jason today-OH he’s getting a nine-and some over the sweater action-I wear sweater panties…

1. The top of the yank tank is MARKY MARK. Oh how I wanted to munch his funky bunch damn good! Head to toe this action star made underwear a symbol for Calvin Klein and his backwards hat and low hanging pants let you know he would smoke you up, hook up with you, then beat you up in front of his friends-sigh lucky… Let’s see MARKY MARK-(show picture of current Mark) WE HAVE A TEN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-we are gonna need a mop over here!

That’s it for yank tank and this week’s Celebrity Hash Tag-don’t forget to hashtag #cht on Instagram with all tie favorite celebrity gossip memes and find our Facebook page at Celebrity Hashtag. I’m Brittany Lynn I’ll see you next time-go to Phillydragmafia.com to see me all week long-and feel free to yank one out-I’ll be watching.

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