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Robin Williams, Ebola, Bed Bugs, Pope Francis, Neil Degrasse Tyson, James Brown [Scrapple TV News]

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From high atop the Scrapple News Tower in downtown Philadelphia; I’m ap ticker and we’re giving this content away for free because otherwise….you’d just steal it.

We begin in India where a Business criminal flaunts his wealth by having gold threads sewn into his clothes. The blouse is so expensive is requires it’s own bodyguards. Meanwhile, the rest of India is sucking the gum off of food stamps to survive.

They just got welfare over there… So they’ll pretty much eat anything.

Scientists say a man-made “dead zone” in the Gulf of Mexico is an abuse of our natural resources.  The massive ocean space is incapable of supporting any life at all because of chemicals and trash.  Developers aren’t dissuaded, of course, and plans to build GARBAGE ISLAND are now underway. This shangri-la of refuse will attract the wealthiest of tourists to it’s plastic beaches and chemically sterile waters.

Did some one say vermin infested landfill? …The New York City Health Department announced that the man admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital with violent flu-like symptoms “is unlikely to have Ebola,” and probably just ate something from a street vendor.

Meanwhile, whale sharks have appeared off the shores of New York this week. Officials advise residents to stay indoors after issuing a Sharknado warning inside Manhattan.  

The subways aren’t much safer. This week New York Transit discovered three trains were infested with bed bugs. Yet another reason to to move to Philly… Where the bedbugs stay in your bed and don’t follow you to work.

It’s cheaper to drink here, too.

Back home in Philly; police, firefighters, and ambulances responded to reports of a bomb in a vacant Philadelphia lot on Friday morning. Fortunately, it was just a prop bomb from a local theater production. Police Officials are going to take credit for a job well done, anyway.  They could really use the win.

The Pope has called for youths to spend less time on the Internet, saying “many young people waste too many hours on futile things.” So, Just forget the information superhighway, put your fingers in your ears and hum gregorian chants to an invisible man in the sky.

I know public opinion is behind this pope; he looks like a sweet old man, I wanna pinch his cheeks. And how can you not love this guy after the Creepy Nazi that was the last Pope? Regardless, these well meaning holy men are doing more harm than good, also… If he really wants to help the poor like he claims, how about selling some the churches vast real estate holdings and end poverty? Walk the walk Cowboy….walk the walk.

Who’s the Pope of Science? It’s probably Neil Degrasse Tyson… Bill Nye the Science Guy? Ah, I always prefered Beakman’s World, myself.

Finally we end with the sad affair of James Brown’s personal estate.  As his biopic is being released, the musician’s wife reveals a judge ordered Brown’s legs to be cut off. Tissue samples were used to perform DNA tests in a number of paternity suits… This is truly sad… without his legs not even zombie James Brown will “get on up” ever again.  

When you need to feel like a sex machine turn to the beverage recommended by nine out of six dentists.  Philadelphia Brewing Company’s Kenzinger Beer is fuel injected to make every fool turn cool. For that extra zest in your step, look to the brown bottle with the golden goodness; Kenzinger.

Well that’s all for the news. I remain AP Ticker; bangarang newsman, but you can call me “Oh captain, my captain”.

Scrapple TV News week of August 18, 2014

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

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