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Keene New Hampshire, Ferguson MO, Ebola threat, HBO streaming [Scrapple TV News]

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From high atop the Scrapple News tower in downtown Philadelphia; I’m AP Ticker and this is a hot cider injection of news and infotainment.

We begin in Keene New Hampshire; where hundreds of college kids turned violent during the city’s annual pumpkin festival, making it the whitest riot ever. This is embarrassing for the caucasian community. Why would they destroy their own town? How many of these squash addicts have fathers at home? This is what you get from a culture that glorifies gourds.

Hopefully the tragedy will open up a much needed dialog about spice relations.

Turning to other acts of civil disobedience… Supporters of Michael Brown, the missouri teen slain by police, staged a flash mob during the St. Louis Symphony. Dozens of paying attendees began chanting “Black Lives Matter” before marching out. The uptight audience of wealthy socialites would have been outraged, but the St Louis Orchestra just doesn’t pull a crowd like it used to.

I’m more of a ballet man, myself.

Back home in Pennsy, police are still searching for a man suspected of killing a state trooper, then fleeing deep into the Pocono forests. This Pennsyltucky Rambo has survived two months on bushmeat and fracked water. How the fuck does he do it? I spend all my money on macrobiotic kelp suppositories but god forbid I sleep with the window open, It’s a death sentence.

A U.S. Airways flight from Pennsylvania to the Dominican Republic was held upon landing after a sneezing passenger joked about having Ebola. Of course the Philly native tested negative for the deadly virus, but was found to be infected with an incurable case of “asshole.”

Meanwhile, President Obama recently “hugged and kissed” nurses who had treated Ebola patients in the U.S. to reassure Americans of the unlikelihood of an outbreak. The only people who didn’t feel better about it were the Secret Service.

This gives me an idea for an action movie script. What’s a better title? “Oval Office Outbreak” or “White House Call” ??

Speaking of those whacky politicians… Republican Trey Radel was busted for cocaine possession after recently voting in favor of drug testing welfare recipient. In the congressman’s defence, it’s not like he’s applying for food stamps here, he’s just running for re-election with federal election money.

Apples and Oranges.

In media news, HBO announced it will offer a streaming service with content available on a show by show basis, no cable package required. Subscribers can finally stop signing up for “Game of Thrones” and then canceling immediately afterwards.

The guy who torrents “Boardwalk Empire” for me, is really gonna feel the pinch.

Finally, this week marks the two-hundred year anniversary of the Deadly London Beer Flood, in which several brewery vats burst, sending a fifteen foot wave of porter crashing through a London neighborhood. Eight people died in the deluge of golden yeast; but what a way to go! And what better way to remember the fallen than with a blood curdling cold Newbold IPA from the goodly folks at the Philadelphia Brewing Company. I’ll drink to your health, but this one’s for me mates in jolly ol’ London-town.

That’s all for scrapple news. I remain AP Ticker; ameatuer telekenetic and psychic detective. Stay cool, America, cause I’ll know if you’re not.

Scrapple TV News week of October 27, 2014

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

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