Je Suis Charlie, Texas Police, Liberty Bell, The Oscars [Scrapple TV News]
Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends! Its a New Year and i’ve got a new attitude! This is my year folks! This year alone, I predict I will win an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, A local Emmy and “fingers crossed”, Best Newcomer at the upcoming Adult Video Awards!
But first a little news…..We go to France where the European nation is still reeling from the cowardly extremists who killed people over a couple of cartoons they didn’t like. We at Scrapple mourn the loss of the five political cartoonists and seven other poor souls who were brutally murdered. We also mourn when France, inevitably, will trade their freedom for safety, just like we did after 9-11.Of which, we are still feeling the ramifications of today. For instance, according to the New York Times, the FBI is doubling down on their surveillance of us, practically confirming uber-patriot Edward Snowden’s darkest foreboding details. No word on whether the FBI is going forward with their controversial plan to install devices in our toilets to monitor the weight, density and moisture content of our fetid stool.
Sometimes our stool takes on human form. Like Texas police officer Nathaniel Robinson, who was fired last week for tackling and tazing a 76 year old man during a traffic stop. Robinson will appeal his firing, but the lonestar state won’t have him back. If you need a stun gun to subdue a 76 year old, you’re just too damned soft for police work.
Here at home, 3 people were shot during a Birthday Party in Nicetown. This is exactly why we can’t have nice things in Nicetown
Congratulations Philly! The New York Times Travel section has named our city one of the top places to visit in 2015. Between the sights, the history, and that homeless guy peeing in a bottle on Broad Street, its time to experience the birthplace of American democracy. Breathe deep and you can practically smell the freedom, with just a hint of urine.
While you’re here, why not take in some local flavor with a beer from the fine folks at the Philadelphia Brewing Company. Made with hometown pride and fresh “water” from our own Schuylkill River, it’s guaranteed to ring your liberty bell.
Thats all for today folks, til next time, I remain your loyal, humble and impossibly handsome narrator, AP Ticker.
Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller
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