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Ferguson, Iraq, Isis, Nazis and Medical Marijuana [Scrapple TV News]

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From high atop the Scrapple News Towers in Downtown Philadelphia, I’m AP Ticker and this is liberal white guilt, sprinkled with a conservative zest.

We begin in Ferguson, Mo where an unarmed black man was gunned down by police. Protests and rioting ensued after tone deaf SWAT Teams tear gassed concerned citizens. Officials admit they didn’t need a tank to trample freedom but these weapons are just lying around. Best not let them go to waste.

It’s as if the US Military had a yard sale after the Iraq War.

The Ferguson PD are better armored than Iron Man. ISIS is taking over the middle east with our hand-me-downs. Even the the Apes have gotten their dirty paws on American weapons.

The US is the only fighting force that can’t seem to win a war with these guns.

All that tech, all those brave men and women… Still can’t seem to eek out a decisive victory for fifty years. We can’t even conquer our own suburbanites.

Iran, North Korea, Syria and Egypt are criticizing how U.S. authorities are handling demonstrations in Ferguson. In related news, your cousin who’s been divorced three times and can’t hold a job thinks you need to get your life together.

For racial insensitivity a little closer to home; The Philadelphia Public Record published a series of Asian slurs in a recent issue. After an intense wave of outrage from readers The editor responsible was fired. Shady McRacist issued an apology and promises never to hurt anyone’s feelings ever again.

Meanwhile in Virginia, The Supreme Court has put a hold on same sex-marriages, because Virginia is for lovers, not people in committed relationships.

And a McDonald’s customer in North Carolina discovered a swastika burned into the bun of her sandwich. “This is highly inappropriate,” said a spokesman for white supremacists. “Those burgers have killed way more people than the Nazi’s.”

Speaking of jackboot thugs… In New jersey, Police seized 26 pounds of marijuana from an illegal grow operation. Even though medical cannabis is legal in the Dirty Jerz, it’s still cheaper to buy grass on the street. Pharmacies could learn a thing from corner dealers and try giving the first one away for free.

The government demonizes bud and gives alcohol a free pass. The truth is, irresponsible people are always gonna do dumb stuff.

An Arizona teacher was so drunk that she took a cab to work last week. The principal considered firing the inebriated teacher but since most of the students are wasted on prescribed pills, no one noticed.

In other drinking news… The Associated Press reports that bourbon distilleries are experiencing a boom in sales due to Americans drinking more bourbon. And more shots. And more beer.

Speaking of beer, I want to introduce you to an old friend of mine. It’s Newbold IPA, the crown jewel in the Philadelphia Brewing Company’s frothy Crown. Every bottle is filled with the golden nectar of an africanized bee queen and just a dash of plutonium. That’s Newbold IPA, for when you’re drinking to get drunk.

Well that’s all for Scrapple News. I remain AP Ticker; amatuer booze cruise captain and queen of the seven whiskies.

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